Things I Wish I Knew in My 20's

I have been to hell and back, several times, in my life. I know some of it was my own doing, but most of it was a product of childhood trauma and a subsequent addiction to alcohol. There are times I wish I could go back, make a different choice at those forks in the road. We don't get that luxury, so I'll write with the hope this lands with the twenty-somethings of the world. Here are the top five things that 48 year old me wishes I could tell 20 year old me.

You are enough.

Just because you are here on this earth, you are enough and you are worthy. You are unique, weird, quirky and fabulous, just as you are. Your forehead isn't too big, neither is your butt. You are not too skinny or too fat, as long as that is how YOU feel. Your personality cannot be replicated so let it fly! If you lose people or feel rejected after expressing yourself, those aren't your people and it's okay to move on. You don't have to be anything but exactly who you are, and that is enough. Give the world the gift of you.

Heal your trauma, start now.

If you've already healed from a trauma you've experienced, my hat is off to you! I thought I had healed from my own childhood trauma, but when I got into my late thirties and early forties, it was clear that I had not done a thorough job. Trauma, for me, carried into every relationship I've ever had. The way I would respond to situations was not helpful to me, nor was it healthy communication. Nine year old me would respond and it would come out quite childlike and I was continuing to self medicate. I had to go back to therapy and address those issues, again. I am still processing some of it, as new things pop up to address and heal.

Remember, there are four trauma responses

• Fight - controlling behaviors, demanding perfectionism from self and others, feeling entitled, etc.

• Flight - obsessive compulsive tendencies, constant fear or panic, perfectionism, to name a few

• Freeze - dissociation, unclear thoughts, difficulty making decision and other behaviors

• Fawn - people pleasing, codependency and more

Know and understand your triggers and how your respond. Also know there is no shame in having to heal again or processing something new that's bubbled up and rearing its ugly head. No shame. Heal it because you are worth it, and your relationships and communication will be better for it. I wish twenty year old me knew this, and had turned around and faced that trauma again, head on. I believe it would have saved me a lot of turmoil and heartache in future situations. I thought I had healed, didn't want to go back to therapy, and simply stuffed away all of the feelings and flashbacks. That doesn't work, FYI! Those feelings are laying dormant and will pop back up, eventually. I am here to tell you, unhealed trauma ruins marriages and family units, jobs may be impacted, friendships and on and on.

Lastly, don't go to that dark and traumatic place alone. I've always chosen therapy to help me process the memories and emotions, do whatever works for you. But do it, because life is better once you do.

If a man wants to, he will.

If he's doesn't, he's Just Not That Into You, like the movie that came out in 2009. If a man wants to call or text you, he will. If he wants to date you, he will ask you out. If a man wants you to meet his friends/mama/anyone else, he will introduce you. Period.

I know that hurts to hear, because we all want to believe we are wanted. If you are seeing someone right now, and they are ignoring you, cancelling plans, not making you a priority, etc., my advice is to LET IT GO. They would if they wanted to, so please stop condoning or excusing their bad behavior. You are worth so much more. Sometimes people need to feel what it's like to lose you, and once you've had space from it, you will probably come to this conclusion on your own, they never deserved you in the first place.

Dating now is pathetic. I can't tell you how many times I've been "ghosted" by a coward that can't have an adult conversation, and let me know he's done with dating me. Those types of men are not anyone I want in my life anyway. Know yourself and your worth and walk away when you aren't being valued or treated with respect.

Live a life of gratitude.

Here she goes again with the gratitude. I don't know about you, but when I was twenty, I didn't appreciate much. I couldn't see past my own negative and polluted thinking to see what blessings I'd been given. I didn't realize that I had the power to change my own thinking. This is a simple task and you can start today. I normally tell people to make a list each morning of ten things you are grateful for. I am working my way through a journal right now that has me listing 50!! That's right, 50 things every morning that I'm grateful for. It changes negative thinking to positive, starts the day off on a positive note, and helps you to gain a different perspective.

There is only one you.

Be that. I haven't written for awhile, because I was bogged down in shoulda/woulda/coulda thinking. Blogs are typically listicles, or how to's, or something similar. I stopped writing because I wanted to figure out what my blog "should" be, rather than continuing to write as I normally do. I was worried about people's expectations rather than simply writing about my experience to help others. In other words, I wasn't being myself.

We are all unique in how we look, act, and respond to situations. Our pasts are all different, as well as our upbringing and environment. As individuals, we bring something unique to the party. Just be yourself. Some of us hide that authenticity for fear of being rejected for the weird and quirky person we are. I have learned that not everyone is going to like me, that I don't care, and I've learned that people who are fake just exhaust me. My best advice is to be authentic and real, because anything else is a lie to yourself and the others around you. If they don't appreciate you, they are not your people.

These are the topics I would go back and tell my younger self. What would you go back and tell your twenty year old self? What have you learned in life that you share with your children, so they avoid the hurt it caused you?

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