Let me first apologize. It has been months since I wrote anything of value, and I'm sorry to keep you waiting like that. Mostly what I've been writing is in my journal, and resembles the rantings of a grieving and bitter woman. Life got hard, really fast, really quick.
Cancer took my stepmother, on Mother's Day this year. Her name was Jane. She's one of the loveliest people I have ever known, and we were so blessed to have her in our lives for nearly 21 years. I miss her terribly, I miss knowing she's there with my dad, taking care of him. They were best friends, and he misses her beyond measure. They always had each other, but cancer took her pretty quick from us, and I am just so sad. I'm trying to process the fact that she's gone,. My heart will not accept what my head already knows.
If you don't mind, I'd like to tell you a little bit about her. Early in my healing journey, she helped me learn to communicate with my Dad, which completely changed our relationship. She helped me see through my own pain and bullshit, to see that he's just a wonderful man and I am so blessed that he's my dad. I remember the turning point, where I could finally feel his love for me. She gave me that, never angry, never raised her voice, and she helped me to put things in perspective. I wish I had told her this, I don't think she knew. Well, she does now.
The night before Jane passed, I was lucky enough to get to FaceTime with her. I was crying like a baby because I knew it would be the last time I saw her. I apologized to her for crying, because I didn't want to upset her. She very pointedly said, "It's ok to be sad, but Stacey, you have to let it go. You have to let this go, because I am at peace". I didn't realize it at the time, but she was giving me a huge gift. "Let it go", it's not my forte, but she's giving me permission to let it go. Just a wonderful and classy woman all the way out.
Her funeral was this morning. It hurts. Deeply. But I must let it go, like she asked me to. Let her go. She is at peace, and she wanted me to be as well.
Thank you, Jane, for being you. For loving my Dad as you did, for loving and caring for my children as if they were your own grandkids. They were yours, you didn't treat them any different. Thank you for connecting with them. They love you, and they miss you too. Like Logan said, "...it's just never going to be the same".
Out of the mouths of babes... It's just never going to be the same.
We love you and miss you terribly. Rest in peace and no pain. I feel you everywhere and I love when you send me those signs. Please don't stop.
You guys... love hard, love loud, tell people how you feel. Make amends that you owe. We are only promised today. Say what needs saying.
Jane was so good for your dad! Grief sucks! Grief from cancer creates a different kind of sadness. Keep it up with the journal and if you need to get out of that heat, come to the coast and hit me up! - Maggie 🫶🏽